TOS S1E16 "Shore Leave" Review by AnswerMan

Horrible:Meh:Adequate:Good:Fantastic

Punch this guy

Before you read this, go here and listen to the sound of the chimes at least a dozen times, or until you become completely irritated by the sound. This will put you in the proper mood for discussion of this episode.

We start with the crew finding themselves in need of a bit of a respite. As luck would have it, there is a planet nearby that seems like a nice place to hang out. It is lovely and green, but has no animal life at all. Not so much as a single mosquito to interrupt their little vacation. Now I'm no botanist, but it seems to me that plant and animal life seem to go together. But hey this is space, not Earth, so maybe it's different. Nothing to see here.

Also on this planet are chimes. Well, chime sounds anyway. Constantly. I don't know if the people behind the sound thought that chime sounds are synonymous with the outdoors, or if the thinking was that the sound should accompany magical places, or if they were just on drugs and thought it sounded cool. But there are constant chimes throughout the entire episode. NON-STOP. Once my ears tuned into the noise, I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I actually almost gave up watching because the sound was grating against my skin so badly, but I suffered through. I wish I hadn't, because it was not worth it. Chimes. CHIMES! Chimes. Chimes. Chimes. Chimes. AAAAAAAAHHH!

Oh also, whatever you think about on the planet magically appears before your eyes. For McCoy, it's the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. For Kirk it's a former lover, and a completely punchable former school mate. That tart Yeoman Barrows apparently secretly longs to get raped by Don Juan. Obviously, a Samurai attacks Sulu. Because what else do Asian people think about?

After some serious flirting with Barrows (are they an item? Who is this chick, anyway?), McCoy aims to prove that none of what they're seeing is real by stepping in front of a charging knight on horseback. It seems like a good plan, until the knight puts a lance through his chest, instantly killing him. The knight is then put down by a pistol that Sulu dreamed up, because in addition to the other problems they're facing,  phasers don't work on the planet. Or communications. Or transporters. Because....reasons. Also, chimes. Chimes, chimes, chimes.

They examine the knight, and note that he most certainly was not human. He has taken on a plastic mannequin type appearance. Spock notes that the knight is composed of the same material as the plants. While discussing this, no one notices that both the knight and McCoy's bodies have disappeared. They piece together that the things they are seeing are some sort of animatronics, instantly created beneath the planet by whatever power source has been messing with their equipment, and then released above ground by a series of trap doors. 

Just then Finnegan, the irritating school chum of Kirk's, shows up again. Kirk demands answers and chases him. Then we have a very long and drawn out chase scene which ends in an epic fight between the two. There is music, and heavy breathing, torn clothing, scrapes, and black eyes. It's very long, and all completely pointless. Finnegan has no answers because he is not real. We already went over this Jim, what the hell?

Meanwhile things are growing even more dangerous because some asshole keeps thinking about World War II fighter planes with machine guns. Someone else is conjuring tigers left and right. Kirk gathers everyone, and orders them to stop thinking. That should be easy enough. 

Finally, some old guy comes out and explains what is going on. The planet is one large amusement park, designed to provide its visitors with whatever they enjoy. Oh and, McCoy is fine now because they apparently have a cure for death. Kirk figures that's a good enough explanation for him, and instead of fleeing the dangerous place, opens it up to the entire crew for "the best shore leave they've ever had." Sure, if being impaled, shot at, chased by tigers, and beat up by bullies is your idea of fun. Or if you really love CHIMES. Also, I guess the transporters must be working again? Then the whole thing ends with Kirk and crew back on the ship reflecting on their experience, and forcing cliched fake laughter until the credits roll. 

This is just Horrible. Almost unwatchable. Even the fantasy aspect of it, that could have been fun to watch, just wasn't. The only bright spot is McCoy flirting with Barrows, and making her jealous by reappearing with two bimbos on his arms. Chimes. 

Published Mar 24, 2017